Kissing The Joy – A Personal Note
“He who binds to himself a joy Does the winged life destroy; But he who kisses the joy as it flies Lives in eternity’s sun rise.” ~ William Blake.
I’m reaching out to you today. Pretend I am your best friend seeking a shoulder and a little comfort.
I moved back to New York from LA three years ago, and had a Cancer relapse. (Feel free to insert any expletive in front of the word Cancer. They all work.) Not just Cancer, but Metastatic. A little black hearted bit of the stuff grew in my armpit, and then broke off and landed on my liver. Stage Four, meaning there ain’t no Stage Five. End of the line. It could be years more, it could be much much less. So mortality wise, I am really like everyone else, except that I’m just not.
None of us know exactly when we are leaving the planet, when we are going to be looking in the other direction and stepping in front of the bus. Struck by lightning. Can’t afford the EPI pen. I don’t know either, but one thing that’s different is I know how I am going. Couple of perks; there will be lots of drugs. I’ve always had a fondness for drugs. I grew up in Woodstock after all.
But my daughter is in California. My girl who wanted to stay when the boys, the four footers and I loaded ourselves into my little sedan and drove across country to be closer to our New York family. Leaving 25 years of life in California behind.
In addition to the whole Tom F*ckery of the Cancer diagnosis, there is now a political environment that feels similar to what the end of the world might feel like. Or as if someone tipped things slightly and our grip is only going to last for so long. We are going to fall, with no protection, no lifeline. Everything we thought we had, is going away. I’m not crying about having Cancer, I’m crying about feeling utterly out of control and helpless and my loves are are on either ends of the country.
In regards to the quote above by William Blake; although I have gotten pretty darned good at using my tools, the yoga, meditation, energy work, staying in the moment…I am afraid. As a mother I want to gather all three of my children and pull them close under my magic cloak.
But I also know that that won’t work. I need to loosen my grip. I have very little control over much beyond myself. I took a field trip with a friend once to the Kern river in California. We drove downstream and hid our clothes and shoes by the side of the stream. We drove miles upstream, pretty close to nude, and parked. We got into the river and floated lazily all the way down. It was the best. The sun. The gentle current, the sound of the frogs and the cicadas.
So I need to float now. I need to take Mr. Blake’s advice and kiss some joy. Thank you so much for indulging me. Getting it out relieves some of the anxiety and I am grateful.
Love and Peace my friends.