Home is Where the Cat is
Having Metastatic Cancer tends to keep me thinking about how things are going to play out, and feeling a little desperate about not spending TIME properly. That can be exhausting. I’m not having symptoms yet, and it may sound counterintuitive, but that puts pressure on. Tick Tock. I should be living closer to my daughter, I should be traveling. Tick Tock. I should be making gobs of money doing what I love. I should be in Love. Should is an awful, crazy making word.
My SHOULD ain’t happening, Baby. Although I am a sort of overachiever and lover of accomplishing big life events and toting my trophy’s around in my belt, the powers that be aren’t opening that door. I’m only knocking feebly, truth be told. I suspect I might not want to work that hard, anymore. Instead, I find myself spending excessive amounts of time wondering why squirrels dash in front of cars. Is it a game of chicken they like to play? Simple Squirrel Suicide? Nature’s way of controlling the squirrel population?
I could go on like this, healthy, for another year, 2 years, 20 years. Just getting older like everyone else. None of us knows when we’re going to get sprung. A very lovely client of mine, 57 years old, passed away last weekend, suddenly, a heart attack. He was wealthy, well loved, had a great sense of humor. So I am the same, really, as all of the civilians who don’t have Stage Four Cancer. As my friend Patrick says, we all know we’re taking the last big plane ride, we just don’t know what time it leaves.
A fellow I know is planning on finishing his Yoga Teacher training and then moving to Bermuda to sail and teach Yoga to rich people. Sounds like a plan. But I’m still raising one of my three kids, and I need them, and they still need me. Instead of looking for the next better thing, and worrying about what’s going to happen to me, I could make what I have at this moment better.
So I’ll dig in, at least for now. Deepen relationships. Do Yoga on my porch. Plant things. Make Pad Thai from scratch. Finish reading the twelve books I’ve left in mid read. Ponder which color pants most effectively camouflages fur. Hike beautiful New York with my dogs and boys.
We are all in the same human boat, even though we like to separate each other into buckets of religion, politics, color. Try as we may, we all struggle with the same big questions, Who am I, What Does it All Mean, and What’s For Lunch. Years of training taught me how to handle these big thoughts; meditate, stay in the moment. But, Pema Chodran I am not. I am often a wiggly, messy, impatient person.
Although I can be Judgy Mary, I long to have my bright shiny thing, like everyone else. It’s not here the way I want at the moment. Or I am just not settling into it.
But for the time being I am home with my boys and my four footers, and I need to stop holding my breath.