“Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.”
― Anne Lamott
Well, I’m going to jump right into it, and do a little naked dancing this morning. What?!! You say? We don’t know each other that well, yet?
You are correct, but I’m in the midst of a full on sketchy skid and realize I must take some action, productive action, and I might as well take you with me because being human we are all prone to skids. I’ve been in one of the places over the past weeks where none of my usual tools, my journaling, yoga, energy work, exercise, none of it’s working, so I lean on it less. Bad Idea!! Which further adds to my W-W-Wired state and general flatline depression.
I can’t afford that. I brought up my Chronic Condition in a past blog – I’ll give you a hint, it starts with a Big “C”, and I also had Rheumatoid Arthritis roil her ugly pain throughout my body, I had never felt that, nor did I know I have it, and that’s what initially set off my skid.
Here comes naked dancing. Peeling off some scarfy layers to get to the tears of the onion. My body has always been ridiculously on the nose. Chaos in the childhood home until I can’t bear it any longer, I start making myself throw up to get rid of the angst. Divorce courtroom drama where the judge doesn’t hear me telling him I am afraid for my children results in an orange sized tumor in my throat Chakra. (No joke, the doc even took a pic when he removed it so I’d believe him.)
My daughter sent me a description of RA from the very brilliant book by Deb Shapiro,Your Body Speaks Your Mind: Decoding the Emotional, Psychological, and Spiritual Messages That Underlie Illness Paperback – April, 2006
Very interesting information, and rings true for me.
I have too much on my plate that I am making very little progress with. Why? Because I’m caring a lot of hurt, resentment, expectations, all that jazz. In reading the above, I really am trying to move through it with my fists. All of that crappy crap doesn’t go away with fists, it just gets spread around and messy. You read Cat in the Hat, right? Dr. Seuss knew his stuff.
Okay, we’ll come back to this. I’m home, sick with a cold. Yes, I’m not getting the damned message the universe is pounding me with over the head. What I am doing is not working. Cancer, RA, Depression, A bad cold.
First steps, enjoy the view. They are shooting a Woody Allen Movie on our little community property, it’s quite gorgeous, rainy, green, spring is springing. Meditate, eat the homemade spicy green soup I made in the fridge.
Be nice to myself. And put some plans into place. And I’ll see if I can turn this skid around. Putting my scarfs back on, and going to curl up with my coffee.
Love you, I do. I love you.